Grow through what you go through.

This is my story of how gardening has helped me through the most challenging of times.

World Mental health day was on the 10th of October.

For this weeks blog I thought I’d talk about mental health and my own experiences around how gardening has quite literally helped me grow through the things that I’ve been through in terms of dealing with my own poor mental wellness during a difficult period in my life.

Some might be surprised to know that I live with trauma induced depression and anxiety. The all consuming kind, the kind that robs you of all joy, of all reason and quite frankly- all hope that there will be any form of future that contains anything other than a crippling sense of foreboding.

In 2018 I was forced to my GP as I was suffering with panic attacks from first rise to last light. They’d happen unpredictably (apart from the first which always came as I descended the stairs to begin my day) and as my chest closed and my heart began to beat erratically, out of sync, painfully palpitating I felt sure that I was going to die. As my breathe became more and more laboured, desperate for oxygen that somehow became a thick soup being sucked through a tiny straw- I knew that I needed help. So off I trudged to the doctors where the most wonderful locom doctor spent over 45 minutes seeking to understand what I was going through and help me to see a way forwards.

I was (and am to a degree) experiencing an acute reaction to trauma, saved up inside. An insidious time bomb of stored up grief and pain that over spilled and effected me in the most psychological and physical way. Years of swallowing painful experiences and smiling through it, paid for in full, during that time. I don’t think it’s often appreciated how punishing lack of mental wellness can be to your physicality.

I guess you may now wonder how this related to growing plants. And if you’re not wondering then I hope you have found the joy of growing and caring for your own.

Caring for a few houseplants originally gave me the opportunity to surround myself with life at a time when I felt like an empty vessel. This progressed rapidly to designing and making my own garden when I moved to my own house in 2019.

Since then every seed I have sown has been a declaration of the trust that I now have in the future. A tiny talisman to watch grow, care for and thrive into something beautiful to enjoy tomorrow. Because tomorrow always comes, change isn’t always linear, but nature will always prevail.

Each stem, each bloom and every cheeky wonky vegetable has brought joy beyond words and a rhythm to life that’s manageable. A sea of calm in the madness of modern life. 10 minutes pottering can undo hours of uncertainty and I appreciate that many have felt this during the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic.

This year I’ve planted over 800 seeds for my future self and others to enjoy. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Green space is so healing and I hope that you can find peace there too.